Therapy is ....

Let's give a short bit of history here.  I spent 3 1/2 years serving in the US Navy.  I am very proud of our country and that I was able to be apart of defending our rights as Americans.  I was young, naive and believed in the Good guy ideal of being in the military.  After all we're the good guys and everyone in the military are the good guys too.  I learned early and quickly that just like every other culture or subculture there are many different types of people who join the military. Most are amazing people, with good hearts and decent moral standards they live by. Then there are the few who are not so good. They prey on people and cause harm in so many different ways.

During my tenure as a sailor, I had the misfortune of meeting a few of the not so good or down right horrible to be exact people.  In the time I was in I was raped five separate times by five different men.  This caused incredible damage to me spiritually, emotionally and in the end physically. It took years before I was able to acknowledge I needed help. Part of the problem was different alters took the brunt of each attack.  With in each assault there were at least three different alters that we are aware of that "took" the mental, physical and spiritual damage. 

Unfortunately, it is very difficult to figure out who has which memories.   My therapist and I have been tackling my world one wound at a time for over seven years.  Each session would often have between three and five alters discussing life and often avoiding hard topics.  We have spent years gaining new tools to add to our mental tool box.  They have allowed us to function for the most part on the day to day level.  We just couldn't face the actual events  not only from our childhood but from our time in the navy.  My patient therapist has been amazing with me.  Three weeks ago, I finally was able to start intensive therapy to directly face the trauma that has been running my world for over 23 years.  

The therapy style is  called Cognitive Processing Therapy.  It is brutal. I am forcing myself to stick with the program. I'm determined to heal and gain freedom.  The therapy and work is exhausting and it sucks. I can't even say how often I ended up vomiting from the stress of it in the first three weeks.  I'm exhausted emotionally and physically.  It's working.  Every session takes all my focus and concentration but we as a committee are doing the work.  We are helping each other to remember and face the events.  We are allowing ourselves to feel all the emotions and work through the damage.  Every day now it gets less frightening and I have a bit less panic.  I am so thankful.

My therapist and I have an amazing relationship and we are able to laugh even in the stress of what she is helping me with.  We are a team that is built on trust and respect.  I know she won't desert me, nor will she be upset if I reach a point that I just have to stop.  I'm determined not too and she is right there supporting me and encouraging me.  The Littles trust her and she engages them in conversation if they make an appearance.  We can do this.. one day at a  time