Along the way

 Along the way

 I have found release. 

I have found understanding.

I have found forgiveness that I never truly needed 

I have found there is so much more to my heart and so much more to the committee

I have found compassion and understanding

I have been given love and acceptance

I have been taught self love and self compassion

I have let go of the guilt (most of the time)

I wish I could say I have found my way but to be honest I never lost it.

I just couldn't see that my life is messy and there are so many different parts of life.

I can have my calm and joy and still have pain and confusion.

I can have steadfast and still be insecure

I can be supportive and loving while still being fearful and confused

Along the way I am becoming whole

The hilarious side

There a moments when being multiple is just plain funny.  Yesterday was a perfect example.  My partner calls me every day before he comes home from work.  We discuss the plane for dinner and any other things that might be on the schedule for the evening. The conversations also help to reduce my anxieties over him coming home and to reassure my system that he is not angry or upset with me. 

Yesterday's conversation involved figuring out what he was going to b pick up on the way home for dinner.  He was speaking to Jewel and she rarely has an opinion on what food is decided on.  While going through the options everything was pretty much the same for her. He then suggested fried chicken and out of no where someone in the system piped in with an emphatic "No"! It was so unexpected and such a here and gone moment that we both just cracked up. Apparently, someone didn't want fried chicken and that was that...  I still don't know who it was and it is still just as funny. 

A truth for my children

My children are grown and living their own lives now.  It has been a few years since my son stopped speaking to me.  Missing him has become an ever present ache in my spirit.  Recognizing this is a stage of life most parents live through, does not lessen the sense of yearning and disappointment. While there has been much more contact with my daughter, it is strained and filled with what has become a standard feeling of yearning for the of connection that existed when she was small. 
Being disappointed in myself for the many mistakes and failings made in parenting these two amazing people, is a constant battle I have within myself.  Knowing the past can not be changed and allowing myself to move to the present and look to the future involves something I have not been able to do.  Forgiveness,  specifically of myself and accepting to the truth that I truly did the absolute best I was able; with the skills and abilities I had at the time. Looking back, i know some of my actions were abusive, most of them were not. Living with a mother who had more than one sever mental and physical illnesses was a truth of their childhood. 
None of us knew I was mentally ill for a number of years.  After it was known, my ex and I were not equipment to adapt ourselves to change quickly enough. We had a loving support system, but not a trained one. All of our lives were affected by this.  I am only in the past few years able to say I am living a life that is more balanced and healthy.  Our children learned early that inconsistencies were the norm; that mom loved them but was unpredictable in what she would do or say from day to day and sometimes from hour to hour.  They grew up with a mom who often was physically or emotionally unable to meet their basic needs, at times both at the same time. 

My intense desire to create the perfect life for my entire family was the driving force that helped me function in a way that most people never knew about my mental illnesses.  I would push myself to be the "perfect" mom; being a leader or a volunteer in every activity the children were involved with, homeschooling them to ensure they were not only well educated, but more importantly " safe" from the dangers of the world.  I believed the children were safe with me.  I functioned without acknowledging the deficit I was creating.  There were so many experiences that were wonderful and amazing and at the same time dysfunctional and completely over the top.  When the deficit became greater than my ability to overcome, our world collapsed and exploded at the same time. My ex and I lost each other  along the way.
I crawled into a world that seemed to fill the need I had to be sheltered from myself.  My ex found solice from the chaos in a separate world.  Our actions were damaging to all of us and created gaping wounds which on some levels are still bleeding wi the each of us.  The reality of our lives was so much more than these words convey and yet there is a basic truth in them.  Now, there is no going back and doing any of it over. None of it can be undone. I can only live in this moment to seeing my own truths and be willing to forgive or not; but to move into the next moment with the hope of living with acceptance and  joy.

I want the forgiveness of my children. I want them to gain understanding of who I was and know that I am not that person now.  I also know those choices are not up to me.

Fear and failure

Let's talk fear.  I spend a great deal of time afraid. It is not a rational expression of fear; it is more of an extension of being alive for us.  Fear, let us face the ways.

I fear:

my children hating me

waking up alone

going to sleep at all

going to the store

meeting new people

being disliked by people

being seen as a fraud

forgetting appointments

meeting new doctors

disappointing people

loving people

becoming attached to anyone

being rejected

succeeding 

failing

dreams

facing myself.

I am not unique in my fears.  I am frequently overwhelmed by them. I often sabotage myself to avoid them and I disappoint myself and others when it happens.  It is frustrating when those fears are felt at different levels, by different alters all at the same time.  When we reach this point, it is time to ask for help.  We are just now starting to recover from a three week stay at the psych hospital because we got lost in our fear.  Truly though it was more than just the fear. It was the self loathing and sense of despair that were a large part of the fall. I am loved beyond measure and sometimes even that is not enough to keep me afloat.  The sense of betrayal within the committee is always deep, even when we know it is for the best to ask for help.  

We are better for now.  Our world has changed and we have had to embrace not living alone; living alone was slowly killing our spirits.  

I can tell my brain wants me to shut down and stop clammering... sleep is trying to win.  I will come back to these thoughts soon. 

 

Crying for Da

She cries in the night for her Da.  There is no one to hear her except the us.  She lays in her bed, surrounded by her faithful guardians and we hear her each night as we attempt to settle the mind.  Her voice is that of a child, she hopes each night that he will come.  There is a difference between what she calls for and what we need.  She wants to be safe and protected, wrapped in her daddy's safe embrace.  She cries in fear of the dreams to come and the terror, night after night.  We have done the therapy, the exercises and the talking.  We read the books and speak to the gods.  We surround her with loving and safe people, who accept and understand she is real.  None of it matters and none of it changes the terrors.

If you're lucky, during the day you may see a moment of giggles, and joy.  She comes out and brings sparkles and color, truth and wisdom.  We never know when or why she slides forward. We can only see from the inside, sometimes.  Some of the committee cringes when she mixes stripes, plaids and prints into a kaleidoscope of an outfit.  There have been days of pig tails and flowers or scarves and t-shirts.  She has polar bear footy pajamas and a complete bear ensemble. She is a passionate chocolate cookie fan and can tell you which restaurant has the best ones.   She loves to dress up and it doesn't matter that the body is that of a 44 year old, over weight, white woman.  She is five and she is determined to be alive and joyful during the daylight hours.

When the night time comes, she hides. Sliding back inside to crawl in her big bed, next to the other Little's, buried beneath their mountain of blankets and guarded by the bears, elephants and dogs each night.  Our beloved Julie-girl wants her Da because she doesn't understand why he never saved us.  She doesn't understand he will never come because he never knew what was done to us.  Even though we have a healthy, loving relationship with our father; there will always be a bit of caution and broken heart.  Children don't understand that parents are people.  To children, parents are superheros, with the ability to see everything, know everything, fix all the wrongs and defeat all the bad guys.  They don't understand when bad things happen, that sometimes the Daddy doesn't know.  Thus, they have their trust eroded and their terror justified.  The little girl believes she deserves what is happening, because with the logic of a child, Daddy doesn't care what is done to her.  This is Julie-girl's truth and we have thus far been unable to change it.

Therapy By Julie

Today was the day of reengaging in therapy. I took a hiatus last October, after running into a brick wall during the 10th week of a 12 week cognitive behavioral therapy CBT program.  I also hit a brick wall in my anger and protective nature management.  As each of these traits is controlled by different alters, I went into hiding from therapy.  I used the excuse that I was becoming to emotionally attached to my therapist to try and convince myself I needed a new therapist.  Which would have set me back a zillion years, but allowed me to avoid the last two weeks of the CBT program.  The lesson I'm stuck on is self-worth, I have made at missed a number of appointments in my effort to get back into the work of self healing.  Today, I made it.

The session was extremely successful. Dr. G. was fantastic and completely open to what I said and all of my concerns and fears.  I have been working with her for almost 10 years and our doctor/patient relationship has overcome all of the hurdles I have thrown at it.  I addressed my concerns about how I perceived our relationship becoming more of a friendship and this was interfering with my ability to share information with her.  We addressed my avoidance of the CBT program and how I was afraid of it.  The part of our conversation that truly reminded me of how much I respect her, was when we discussed my desire to begin addressing my DID.  Dr. G. is an expert in trauma, not DID. As a therapist, she would be able to work with me on the traumas and we could discuss how it is affecting all of the committee.  However, it would be stepping out of her area to try and work with me specifically on the aspects of DID.  We made a plan together for her to contact other professionals and organizations that specialize in DID and try to get a referral for me to get help through those sources.

I have an appointment in two weeks to move to the next stage in the CBT program.  Our goal is to complete this program before I begin anything new in regards to the DID.  Thus far, the most successful aspect of the CBT program has been the success I have had in removing self blame for the assaults and abuse done to me.  It is an incredibly difficult program, both mentally and emotionally.  I strongly recommend it as a technique for working through PTSD.  It isn't a fix all, but it does amazing things with the brain.

I have decided not to return to group therapy just yet.  I feel it would be detrimental to the group for me to participate currently.  I am to intolerant of perceived outsiders and of dealing with conflicts within the group.  The group is very much about conflict resolution, but I am not in a place to do so properly or without a great deal of unjust anger.  I have hope for myself, and I am pleased to know I am aware of at least these shortcomings on my part.  The level of hope and anticipation I feel about getting professional help with the DID and with working with Dr. G. to complete the program is very high.  My life is going well and I am thankful that most of the system is aware and grateful as well.

opposing needs

There are so many challenges when one is multiple.  We have two very different needs by two very different alters that desperately need to be filled.  The needs of Julie Girl and Jewel, to be able to express the innocent and care free personalities they have with as little censorship as possible and the needs of Rachel, to engage in behaviors and experiences that fill the primal need she always has within her.  As far as we have been able to understand, Rachel was created to take in the 'pleasurable' sensations that were created when we were harmed as a child.

When a child is sexualized at as early an age as we were, the body develops a craving for the sensations that are being forced upon it.  Our mind created Rachel to hold and experience those sensations when we were very young.  Sexual acts are more than a shared moment between us and the other person. The specific type of intimacy will fill the needs of a specific alter.  Some of those alters need soft and gentle.  Rachel is not one of those.  She craves the "violence", the crazy power exchange and all of the weird that goes with it.   We used to be mortified and embarrassed by what she needs.  The very idea was repulsive to the stronger of us and we rejected it as an idea years ago.  It is taking time and much soul searching to learn to come to terms with this aspect of us as a whole.  We can only function one day at a time.  We are choosing to allow all of the committee to express their needs within our sacred space and when appropriate within different communities that can fulfill our needs.

children of mine dealing

My kids are young adults now. They each have become amazing and independent people. They have lived all of their lives with a severely mentally ill mother. It was not easy. It is not easy. It will never be easy. They both crave order and clarity. As each of them travels their path, their anger and frustration of events from our past are influencing their acts and beliefs. Currently, they want as little to do with me as possible.  It breaks my heart but I have come to embrace that each person has to find their own path and peace.

Growing up, the kids often took care of each other and frequently, me in many ways. When I was ill they would make their own lunch. We homeschooled for many years and I used the philosophy that if I teach them how to learn, they well be able to learn anything they need or want. This put them in charge of completing their work and me checking in to make sure no one was lost. On the days that I ruled the world from the sofa. i.e. I was to ill to be up and around, they would come to me for help and I was available as they needed me. Because of my mental illness, there were many occasions when both of them felt responsible to care for me, to protect me from the world and myself. On my bad days one or both of them would make lunch. They learned to cook and take care of chores. These were things they had to do any way, but the stress of  feeling responsible for their mom was overwhelming at times.
Thomas and I should have brought in help, but neither of us was truly aware of the long term  aftereffects the children would have to live with.  Life is not perfect and hardship develops character but there needs to be a healthy balance. While frequently our family had decent balance, there were many times it did not.  Dealing with a chaotic mother, who changed what they were doing, how they were doing it and when, every couple of months and sometimes days, was stressful and confusing on the best days. It was frightening and filed with anxiety on the worst.

I wonder if they will understand that we did the absolute best we knew how at the time, some day?

OMG! there's a dog in here! NO!! It's a really small elephant

Lets talk dogs.  People with disabilities use a multitude of aides in order to have a better quality of life.  I personally have:

• two canes
• walker
• platform crutches
• manual wheel chair
• electric wheelchair
• parifan bath
• tens unit
• custom eating utensils
• mouth guard
• cpap machine
• braces
• wrist
• ankle
• back
• shoulder
• custom shoes
• service dog

All of these aides do something specific to make my life easier whether it be helping me walk, lowering pain, helping me breath, controlling muscle spasms or aiding in controlling the effects of PTSD.  While most of these devices are not living, they all are protected under the ADA laws.  These laws are specific and protected by federal law. A service dog must be under the control of the handler at all times.  This can be a physical or verbal tether. Some people need the dog to be free roaming to do physical actions like holding the door or pushing the buttons to open a door. A service animal it must provide a minimum of two aides for the person.  The following is an example of some of the activities a service dog may do. This is by no means all the services they do.

• picking up dropped items
• keeping an autistic child from wandering away
• alerting parents to a need for a ill/disabled child
• alerting on high/low sugar levels for a diabetic
• helping with dressing a person
• pulling a wheel chair
• redirecting damaging behavior such as skin scratching or hyper vigilance for PTSD
• calming persons in a panic attack 
• taking someone  home who is unable to remember how
• calling 911 for a medical emergency (really) 

 Service dogs have a unique ability to provide a multitude of services,   When I am out with my dog, I may appear perfectly fine. It is important to understand not all of disabilities are visible.  Attempting to forbid the entrance of a service dog or telling someone to leave the animal at home, is the same as telling a paraplegic to leave their wheel chair at home. Yes, it is exactly the same thing.  Similarly, the federal law specifically states that a service dog is not required to have an identifying vest, leash or other identifier stating it is a service animal or what it does.  No one would expect someone with MS to have a sign on the back of their chair stating they have it.  This is the same reasoning that is applied to service animals.  Privacy is part of our rights as people.  

As an advocate for service animals and the many different people who have them, I often deal with uneducated people.  I hear things like " You're not blind, you don't need that dog." or " What about people who are allergic to dogs? You could make someone sick."  In answer to the first question; first it's rude. Secondly, unless you are intimately involved in my medical care, you have no business making medical judgement on what I use to aide me.  I know many fine veterans who have severe PTSD.  Allowing themselves to embrace the need for help and acquiring a service dog to help make living every day a bit easier, simply by training a dog to support them is a medical break through that helps reduce veteran suicide.  Being attacked in public for needing the dog frequently triggers panic attacks and flashbacks. Believe me I know. 

I will end my lecture with this.  As a veteran and a person living with PTSD, I know what having a service dog has done to make it possible for me to leave my home on my own.  I function more clearly, knowing my dog is trained to minimize triggers and to alert people to my needs if I become non functioning in public. My life is better for having one.

The Search 

My beloved Dobby has been my faithful service dog for six years.  He was a rescue dog from the Humane Society before he came into my life.  Having him at my side all of these years truly opened doors for me participate in life.  Unfortunately, I have had to retire my Dobs because he has become a senior dog with a bit of a grumpy side. He will be retiring to manning the sofa and barking at the neighbors.  I have now begun my search for a new dog to train up as my new service animal.  I have looked at several over the last months and none of them have been able to truly qualify as a candidate for training.  I am continuing to look at rescues and animal shelters for my new partner.  While previously I have looked at larger dogs because I am more comfortable with them.  This weekend I will be evaluating a pup named Betsy.   She is dachshund/bull terrier mix, white with big black spots, and 6 months old.  While she is a rescue she has been in a home with many other dogs, cats and children, thus having healthy socialization during the early developmental stages.  This is a plus in that she should not need as long of an adjustment time before I begin training with her.  

I do not have the mind set of this has to be the dog for me.  I have done that in the past and that usually leads to a bad match.  I am excited to go evaluate her but my heart isn't set on her.  It will be nice if she is the dog for me because I truly need to have a service animal who can go out with me daily. 

It should be interesting..

determined to simplify

Knowing I have changed and having others understand and accept this are two entirely different experiences.  As the healing happens and I evolve into this calmer more joyful person, I am acutely aware of the lack of emotional and spiritual  pressure. I "know" I am stronger, calmer and happier than I have been in a long time. Those closest to me are encouraging and supportive of my work to evolve into a better person.  It is when people who knew me during the worst parts of me depression can not imagine me as a something other than out of control that my heart breaks.
Many years ago I found a book in the library "The Simple Living Guide. " As I was reading it, I felt as though an entirely new way of living had opened up for me. As a natural purger and minimalist, this book gave healthy examples of how to make my world more peaceful and clutter free. I have been able to down size my home to less than 700 sq ft. I am learning the difference between having stuff just to have it and having objects because they are truly useful or bring me joy. It has been a true challenge.
As part of the simplification of my life, I am freeing myself from the restrictions set by an apartment or house. I imagine eventually I will find a place that sings to my heart and I will once again settle into a place where people can know my name and the waitresses will be thrilled to see me in the local diner.  For now though
I am looking forward to the reality of being able to travel. The freedom of leaving most of my trappings behind and living on purpose.
I believe the hardest part is keeping clothing that all of my alters will either wear or respect that someone else in the system will wear.  This applies to items such as toys, art supplies, shoes, photos and any other items we have in the house. Because we are not on a short dead line we can make good choices about what to keep and what can be sold.  Not having a powerful attachment to material items makes these choices easy for me.  The others in the committee don't have the same mindset. There are going to be many compromises over the next several months. In the end I know we will have our world bared down to the absolute must keeps. I am excited about the idea of  going alone, with just my service dog and my spirit to help me brave the world before me.

Who ordered this?

There are days when the committee just seems to be spinning.  On those days, all bets are off as to what is going to happen and who is going to take the front.  It can be entertaining and a bit odd for the people around us, depending on who takes over and when.  The Littles: Julie girl, JJ and Pun'kin are always the most entertaining from what I have been told.  When in a restaurant the alter ordering the food may not be the one to consume it.  If Georgia orders a steak medium rare because she loves meat, by the time it arrives Jewel may be out and she doesn't like meat at all.   The choice becomes either Jewel eats the food and continues the conversation she may be having or she goes back inside leaving the conversation unfinished to allow Georgia to eat what was ordered. This puts Georgia in the position of continuing a conversation she may have no idea was happening.  There are also the times when food is ordered by one of the Littles that is just not healthy. This usually comes in the form of blueberry pancakes with strawberry compote on the side.  If we are lucky there will be a protein such as eggs to go with them.  We often are not lucky in that regard.

Our friends are amazing about interacting with whoever is presenting.  They take care of the Littles without even blinking.  We have items gifted to them such as stuffies, food items they love, coloring books and other such  fun things.  All of them have evolved and mellowed over the last couple of years as they continue to live in a positive world.  The feeling of eminent doom and danger is slowing lowering and we are learning to function outside of the fight or flight reflex.  It is incredibly difficult to manage,especially when we are in the middle of it. The people in our life just remind us frequently that our world is peaceful and we are safe.  

The committee and cooperation. .. or not..

Living on my own has been educational to say the least.  I just turned 43 and it's just plain weird.  There are very few of us in the committee who age at the same rate as the body, most of them don't age at all.  Julie girl has been 5 years old for as long as I can remember. Just like JJ has always been three. Rachel will always be 22 and Laura will always be 12.  On the other hand Georgia is about 45 we think and Julie is about the same age as the body. Although we like to harass her and tell her she's getting old faster than everyone else.  Jewel stopped ageing about age 30  and Serenity never seems to really have an age. Tara is apparently about 250 years old but she's a mermaids, so I have no idea what that translates into in human.  Fury refused to discuss something as trivial as how old she is and Frantic seems about 18 but she's autistic so it's not a high priority when she is out.  Pun'kin is about 18 months in her actions but it's hard to tell..she just wants to eat. Cinder is about 25 and very quiet. As long as she has her plants she doesn't really interact with anyone although she lets the littles walk through her gardens as long as they don't damage the roses.  Emma is ethereal and sort of glows. I wish we had her calm all the time. I'm sure I left some one out but I'll catch it later.

For the most part none of us keep track of how old the body is.  It doesn't really matter to us.  We take care of it, sometimes better than others, and we try to be aware of everyone's needs. This can be as simple as feeding the littles peanut butter sandwiches (which everyone else in the committee hates), or a complicated as making sure we take all of our medications every day.
As you can imagine w have a diverse wardrobe.. depending on what is planned for the day we attempt to let Rachel or Julie be in charge of clothing. Rachel has the best skill but Julie has the best business look.
We always end up shaking our head when the littles happen to put clothing on us, because wow can they mix up the color! Julie girl loves stripped socks, JJ  loves oversized shirts and Pun'kin likes lots of color. We usually end up with pig tails and sparkly jewelry.  Let me tell you what a shock it can be to come out at a restaurant and realize you're wearing purple stripped knee highs,a bright yellow shirt, hot pink skirt and leather boots.  It's just special..lol
On the other hand each alter has amazing skills that make us as a whole unique and versatile .

being multiple

Here we are, embarking on a journey of new adventures.  My world took a left turn and I am now  looking at the future with a relatively non-specific plan.  How vague can one person get?  Well with us this person it's fairly easy.  Let me introduce myself, or us as it were.  I am Friday Lowrey.  I wasn't born with the name Friday, I was born Julie Ann Lowrey. Then my last name changed to Brubach and then Hoffman.  Through the years I was called everything from Jewel, Julie, Julie Ann, Jewels to Babe , sweetheart and the other normal collection of nicknames people call females. 
With me there is a bit of a difference though, I live with dissociative identity disorder (DID) or what most people still call multiple personality disorder.  There are some common factors among those of us with the labeling of DID:

usually 4-20 alters is common
there can be alters who are not human
alters who are under the age of ( in our book 12 ) that are called little's
alters of different sexes
alters that may not have bodies
alters that are seen as demons
alters that are violent, mute, deaf, blind, young, old, and any other variation you may or may not be able to think of.

lost time
poor since of time
often have the strangest wardrobes

there is normally other mental illness that goes with the diagnosis
PTSD
depression
anxiety
suicidal
eating disorders
insomnia
personality disorders such as
OCD
bipolor
ADD
ADHD

 There are may be physical chronic illness such as
obesity
high blood pressure
diabetes
poor eye site
migraines (very common)
and any other number of illnesses

We don't all have all of them, but all of us have some variation plus other affects that are not listed.  My personal list is rather involved and long.  I won't be going into that right now but I thought it helpful to give a basic idea of what challenges we live with on besides having more than one person hanging out inside one body. I have heard and used the term singleton to describe people who are not multiple.  I know a lady with a little who asks when the singleton's are going to be fixed because in her mind everyone is supposed to be like she is.  Part of a system that allows the body to function. 

So back to names. We decided on the name Friday for several personal reasons which will be gone into in future posts.  The reason for choosing a name unlike any of the alters or our given name was to remove the confusion of who was responsible for being our "front" person at any given time.  We discovered people seemed to want an accounting of "who" they were talking to as though we function like a switch board or board house.  It doesn't work that way and being forced to have specific alters come to the "front" more often than they desired or when someone outside the system decided they wanted to have a chat was causing chaos inside, which triggers all sorts of negative responses. 

Something very important to remember about those of us that are multiple.  Due to extreme trauma (no it doesn't have to be abuse, although that is the most common starter) the mind either locks a memory down and separates it from the rest of the mind, or creates an alter to deal with the trauma at hand.  There are different jobs assigned to different alters, each job is created to again protect the mind of the person.  As time goes on this becomes the normal way for the brain to respond to extreme trauma or stress.  The person has no idea it's happened or happening, usually until in their twenties at least.  I was 30 before I started therapy even though I knew about at least two of my little's.  I've been in therapy for over ten years now and I have a better understanding of my system and I function so much better, but there are some things that I just have learned to adapt to.