Fear and failure

Let's talk fear.  I spend a great deal of time afraid. It is not a rational expression of fear; it is more of an extension of being alive for us.  Fear, let us face the ways.

I fear:

my children hating me

waking up alone

going to sleep at all

going to the store

meeting new people

being disliked by people

being seen as a fraud

forgetting appointments

meeting new doctors

disappointing people

loving people

becoming attached to anyone

being rejected

succeeding 

failing

dreams

facing myself.

I am not unique in my fears.  I am frequently overwhelmed by them. I often sabotage myself to avoid them and I disappoint myself and others when it happens.  It is frustrating when those fears are felt at different levels, by different alters all at the same time.  When we reach this point, it is time to ask for help.  We are just now starting to recover from a three week stay at the psych hospital because we got lost in our fear.  Truly though it was more than just the fear. It was the self loathing and sense of despair that were a large part of the fall. I am loved beyond measure and sometimes even that is not enough to keep me afloat.  The sense of betrayal within the committee is always deep, even when we know it is for the best to ask for help.  

We are better for now.  Our world has changed and we have had to embrace not living alone; living alone was slowly killing our spirits.  

I can tell my brain wants me to shut down and stop clammering... sleep is trying to win.  I will come back to these thoughts soon. 

 

Crying for Da

She cries in the night for her Da.  There is no one to hear her except the us.  She lays in her bed, surrounded by her faithful guardians and we hear her each night as we attempt to settle the mind.  Her voice is that of a child, she hopes each night that he will come.  There is a difference between what she calls for and what we need.  She wants to be safe and protected, wrapped in her daddy's safe embrace.  She cries in fear of the dreams to come and the terror, night after night.  We have done the therapy, the exercises and the talking.  We read the books and speak to the gods.  We surround her with loving and safe people, who accept and understand she is real.  None of it matters and none of it changes the terrors.

If you're lucky, during the day you may see a moment of giggles, and joy.  She comes out and brings sparkles and color, truth and wisdom.  We never know when or why she slides forward. We can only see from the inside, sometimes.  Some of the committee cringes when she mixes stripes, plaids and prints into a kaleidoscope of an outfit.  There have been days of pig tails and flowers or scarves and t-shirts.  She has polar bear footy pajamas and a complete bear ensemble. She is a passionate chocolate cookie fan and can tell you which restaurant has the best ones.   She loves to dress up and it doesn't matter that the body is that of a 44 year old, over weight, white woman.  She is five and she is determined to be alive and joyful during the daylight hours.

When the night time comes, she hides. Sliding back inside to crawl in her big bed, next to the other Little's, buried beneath their mountain of blankets and guarded by the bears, elephants and dogs each night.  Our beloved Julie-girl wants her Da because she doesn't understand why he never saved us.  She doesn't understand he will never come because he never knew what was done to us.  Even though we have a healthy, loving relationship with our father; there will always be a bit of caution and broken heart.  Children don't understand that parents are people.  To children, parents are superheros, with the ability to see everything, know everything, fix all the wrongs and defeat all the bad guys.  They don't understand when bad things happen, that sometimes the Daddy doesn't know.  Thus, they have their trust eroded and their terror justified.  The little girl believes she deserves what is happening, because with the logic of a child, Daddy doesn't care what is done to her.  This is Julie-girl's truth and we have thus far been unable to change it.

Therapy By Julie

Today was the day of reengaging in therapy. I took a hiatus last October, after running into a brick wall during the 10th week of a 12 week cognitive behavioral therapy CBT program.  I also hit a brick wall in my anger and protective nature management.  As each of these traits is controlled by different alters, I went into hiding from therapy.  I used the excuse that I was becoming to emotionally attached to my therapist to try and convince myself I needed a new therapist.  Which would have set me back a zillion years, but allowed me to avoid the last two weeks of the CBT program.  The lesson I'm stuck on is self-worth, I have made at missed a number of appointments in my effort to get back into the work of self healing.  Today, I made it.

The session was extremely successful. Dr. G. was fantastic and completely open to what I said and all of my concerns and fears.  I have been working with her for almost 10 years and our doctor/patient relationship has overcome all of the hurdles I have thrown at it.  I addressed my concerns about how I perceived our relationship becoming more of a friendship and this was interfering with my ability to share information with her.  We addressed my avoidance of the CBT program and how I was afraid of it.  The part of our conversation that truly reminded me of how much I respect her, was when we discussed my desire to begin addressing my DID.  Dr. G. is an expert in trauma, not DID. As a therapist, she would be able to work with me on the traumas and we could discuss how it is affecting all of the committee.  However, it would be stepping out of her area to try and work with me specifically on the aspects of DID.  We made a plan together for her to contact other professionals and organizations that specialize in DID and try to get a referral for me to get help through those sources.

I have an appointment in two weeks to move to the next stage in the CBT program.  Our goal is to complete this program before I begin anything new in regards to the DID.  Thus far, the most successful aspect of the CBT program has been the success I have had in removing self blame for the assaults and abuse done to me.  It is an incredibly difficult program, both mentally and emotionally.  I strongly recommend it as a technique for working through PTSD.  It isn't a fix all, but it does amazing things with the brain.

I have decided not to return to group therapy just yet.  I feel it would be detrimental to the group for me to participate currently.  I am to intolerant of perceived outsiders and of dealing with conflicts within the group.  The group is very much about conflict resolution, but I am not in a place to do so properly or without a great deal of unjust anger.  I have hope for myself, and I am pleased to know I am aware of at least these shortcomings on my part.  The level of hope and anticipation I feel about getting professional help with the DID and with working with Dr. G. to complete the program is very high.  My life is going well and I am thankful that most of the system is aware and grateful as well.

opposing needs

There are so many challenges when one is multiple.  We have two very different needs by two very different alters that desperately need to be filled.  The needs of Julie Girl and Jewel, to be able to express the innocent and care free personalities they have with as little censorship as possible and the needs of Rachel, to engage in behaviors and experiences that fill the primal need she always has within her.  As far as we have been able to understand, Rachel was created to take in the 'pleasurable' sensations that were created when we were harmed as a child.

When a child is sexualized at as early an age as we were, the body develops a craving for the sensations that are being forced upon it.  Our mind created Rachel to hold and experience those sensations when we were very young.  Sexual acts are more than a shared moment between us and the other person. The specific type of intimacy will fill the needs of a specific alter.  Some of those alters need soft and gentle.  Rachel is not one of those.  She craves the "violence", the crazy power exchange and all of the weird that goes with it.   We used to be mortified and embarrassed by what she needs.  The very idea was repulsive to the stronger of us and we rejected it as an idea years ago.  It is taking time and much soul searching to learn to come to terms with this aspect of us as a whole.  We can only function one day at a time.  We are choosing to allow all of the committee to express their needs within our sacred space and when appropriate within different communities that can fulfill our needs.

children of mine dealing

My kids are young adults now. They each have become amazing and independent people. They have lived all of their lives with a severely mentally ill mother. It was not easy. It is not easy. It will never be easy. They both crave order and clarity. As each of them travels their path, their anger and frustration of events from our past are influencing their acts and beliefs. Currently, they want as little to do with me as possible.  It breaks my heart but I have come to embrace that each person has to find their own path and peace.

Growing up, the kids often took care of each other and frequently, me in many ways. When I was ill they would make their own lunch. We homeschooled for many years and I used the philosophy that if I teach them how to learn, they well be able to learn anything they need or want. This put them in charge of completing their work and me checking in to make sure no one was lost. On the days that I ruled the world from the sofa. i.e. I was to ill to be up and around, they would come to me for help and I was available as they needed me. Because of my mental illness, there were many occasions when both of them felt responsible to care for me, to protect me from the world and myself. On my bad days one or both of them would make lunch. They learned to cook and take care of chores. These were things they had to do any way, but the stress of  feeling responsible for their mom was overwhelming at times.
Thomas and I should have brought in help, but neither of us was truly aware of the long term  aftereffects the children would have to live with.  Life is not perfect and hardship develops character but there needs to be a healthy balance. While frequently our family had decent balance, there were many times it did not.  Dealing with a chaotic mother, who changed what they were doing, how they were doing it and when, every couple of months and sometimes days, was stressful and confusing on the best days. It was frightening and filed with anxiety on the worst.

I wonder if they will understand that we did the absolute best we knew how at the time, some day?

OMG! there's a dog in here! NO!! It's a really small elephant

Lets talk dogs.  People with disabilities use a multitude of aides in order to have a better quality of life.  I personally have:

• two canes
• walker
• platform crutches
• manual wheel chair
• electric wheelchair
• parifan bath
• tens unit
• custom eating utensils
• mouth guard
• cpap machine
• braces
• wrist
• ankle
• back
• shoulder
• custom shoes
• service dog

All of these aides do something specific to make my life easier whether it be helping me walk, lowering pain, helping me breath, controlling muscle spasms or aiding in controlling the effects of PTSD.  While most of these devices are not living, they all are protected under the ADA laws.  These laws are specific and protected by federal law. A service dog must be under the control of the handler at all times.  This can be a physical or verbal tether. Some people need the dog to be free roaming to do physical actions like holding the door or pushing the buttons to open a door. A service animal it must provide a minimum of two aides for the person.  The following is an example of some of the activities a service dog may do. This is by no means all the services they do.

• picking up dropped items
• keeping an autistic child from wandering away
• alerting parents to a need for a ill/disabled child
• alerting on high/low sugar levels for a diabetic
• helping with dressing a person
• pulling a wheel chair
• redirecting damaging behavior such as skin scratching or hyper vigilance for PTSD
• calming persons in a panic attack 
• taking someone  home who is unable to remember how
• calling 911 for a medical emergency (really) 

 Service dogs have a unique ability to provide a multitude of services,   When I am out with my dog, I may appear perfectly fine. It is important to understand not all of disabilities are visible.  Attempting to forbid the entrance of a service dog or telling someone to leave the animal at home, is the same as telling a paraplegic to leave their wheel chair at home. Yes, it is exactly the same thing.  Similarly, the federal law specifically states that a service dog is not required to have an identifying vest, leash or other identifier stating it is a service animal or what it does.  No one would expect someone with MS to have a sign on the back of their chair stating they have it.  This is the same reasoning that is applied to service animals.  Privacy is part of our rights as people.  

As an advocate for service animals and the many different people who have them, I often deal with uneducated people.  I hear things like " You're not blind, you don't need that dog." or " What about people who are allergic to dogs? You could make someone sick."  In answer to the first question; first it's rude. Secondly, unless you are intimately involved in my medical care, you have no business making medical judgement on what I use to aide me.  I know many fine veterans who have severe PTSD.  Allowing themselves to embrace the need for help and acquiring a service dog to help make living every day a bit easier, simply by training a dog to support them is a medical break through that helps reduce veteran suicide.  Being attacked in public for needing the dog frequently triggers panic attacks and flashbacks. Believe me I know. 

I will end my lecture with this.  As a veteran and a person living with PTSD, I know what having a service dog has done to make it possible for me to leave my home on my own.  I function more clearly, knowing my dog is trained to minimize triggers and to alert people to my needs if I become non functioning in public. My life is better for having one.

The Search 

My beloved Dobby has been my faithful service dog for six years.  He was a rescue dog from the Humane Society before he came into my life.  Having him at my side all of these years truly opened doors for me participate in life.  Unfortunately, I have had to retire my Dobs because he has become a senior dog with a bit of a grumpy side. He will be retiring to manning the sofa and barking at the neighbors.  I have now begun my search for a new dog to train up as my new service animal.  I have looked at several over the last months and none of them have been able to truly qualify as a candidate for training.  I am continuing to look at rescues and animal shelters for my new partner.  While previously I have looked at larger dogs because I am more comfortable with them.  This weekend I will be evaluating a pup named Betsy.   She is dachshund/bull terrier mix, white with big black spots, and 6 months old.  While she is a rescue she has been in a home with many other dogs, cats and children, thus having healthy socialization during the early developmental stages.  This is a plus in that she should not need as long of an adjustment time before I begin training with her.  

I do not have the mind set of this has to be the dog for me.  I have done that in the past and that usually leads to a bad match.  I am excited to go evaluate her but my heart isn't set on her.  It will be nice if she is the dog for me because I truly need to have a service animal who can go out with me daily. 

It should be interesting..

determined to simplify

Knowing I have changed and having others understand and accept this are two entirely different experiences.  As the healing happens and I evolve into this calmer more joyful person, I am acutely aware of the lack of emotional and spiritual  pressure. I "know" I am stronger, calmer and happier than I have been in a long time. Those closest to me are encouraging and supportive of my work to evolve into a better person.  It is when people who knew me during the worst parts of me depression can not imagine me as a something other than out of control that my heart breaks.
Many years ago I found a book in the library "The Simple Living Guide. " As I was reading it, I felt as though an entirely new way of living had opened up for me. As a natural purger and minimalist, this book gave healthy examples of how to make my world more peaceful and clutter free. I have been able to down size my home to less than 700 sq ft. I am learning the difference between having stuff just to have it and having objects because they are truly useful or bring me joy. It has been a true challenge.
As part of the simplification of my life, I am freeing myself from the restrictions set by an apartment or house. I imagine eventually I will find a place that sings to my heart and I will once again settle into a place where people can know my name and the waitresses will be thrilled to see me in the local diner.  For now though
I am looking forward to the reality of being able to travel. The freedom of leaving most of my trappings behind and living on purpose.
I believe the hardest part is keeping clothing that all of my alters will either wear or respect that someone else in the system will wear.  This applies to items such as toys, art supplies, shoes, photos and any other items we have in the house. Because we are not on a short dead line we can make good choices about what to keep and what can be sold.  Not having a powerful attachment to material items makes these choices easy for me.  The others in the committee don't have the same mindset. There are going to be many compromises over the next several months. In the end I know we will have our world bared down to the absolute must keeps. I am excited about the idea of  going alone, with just my service dog and my spirit to help me brave the world before me.