She cries in the night for her Da. There is no one to hear her except the us. She lays in her bed, surrounded by her faithful guardians and we hear her each night as we attempt to settle the mind. Her voice is that of a child, she hopes each night that he will come. There is a difference between what she calls for and what we need. She wants to be safe and protected, wrapped in her daddy's safe embrace. She cries in fear of the dreams to come and the terror, night after night. We have done the therapy, the exercises and the talking. We read the books and speak to the gods. We surround her with loving and safe people, who accept and understand she is real. None of it matters and none of it changes the terrors.
If you're lucky, during the day you may see a moment of giggles, and joy. She comes out and brings sparkles and color, truth and wisdom. We never know when or why she slides forward. We can only see from the inside, sometimes. Some of the committee cringes when she mixes stripes, plaids and prints into a kaleidoscope of an outfit. There have been days of pig tails and flowers or scarves and t-shirts. She has polar bear footy pajamas and a complete bear ensemble. She is a passionate chocolate cookie fan and can tell you which restaurant has the best ones. She loves to dress up and it doesn't matter that the body is that of a 44 year old, over weight, white woman. She is five and she is determined to be alive and joyful during the daylight hours.
When the night time comes, she hides. Sliding back inside to crawl in her big bed, next to the other Little's, buried beneath their mountain of blankets and guarded by the bears, elephants and dogs each night. Our beloved Julie-girl wants her Da because she doesn't understand why he never saved us. She doesn't understand he will never come because he never knew what was done to us. Even though we have a healthy, loving relationship with our father; there will always be a bit of caution and broken heart. Children don't understand that parents are people. To children, parents are superheros, with the ability to see everything, know everything, fix all the wrongs and defeat all the bad guys. They don't understand when bad things happen, that sometimes the Daddy doesn't know. Thus, they have their trust eroded and their terror justified. The little girl believes she deserves what is happening, because with the logic of a child, Daddy doesn't care what is done to her. This is Julie-girl's truth and we have thus far been unable to change it.
