I fear:
my children hating me
waking up alone
going to sleep at all
going to the store
meeting new people
being disliked by people
being seen as a fraud
forgetting appointments
meeting new doctors
disappointing people
loving people
becoming attached to anyone
being rejected
succeeding
failing
dreams
facing myself.
I am not unique in my fears. I am frequently overwhelmed by them. I often sabotage myself to avoid them and I disappoint myself and others when it happens. It is frustrating when those fears are felt at different levels, by different alters all at the same time. When we reach this point, it is time to ask for help. We are just now starting to recover from a three week stay at the psych hospital because we got lost in our fear. Truly though it was more than just the fear. It was the self loathing and sense of despair that were a large part of the fall. I am loved beyond measure and sometimes even that is not enough to keep me afloat. The sense of betrayal within the committee is always deep, even when we know it is for the best to ask for help.
We are better for now. Our world has changed and we have had to embrace not living alone; living alone was slowly killing our spirits.
I can tell my brain wants me to shut down and stop clammering... sleep is trying to win. I will come back to these thoughts soon.
